Find out
why you're stuck in patterns even when you can already see them.
Why people keep hurting you even when they're meant to care.
And why it can be impossible
to be better even when you desperately want to be.
You've read the self-help books. The attachment books. The books on coping strategies. And you've realised they aren't enough.
Something is still not making sense.
This is that fresh perspective. It's why your partner can't listen to your needs or respect your boundaries. Why they left even though they wanted to stay. Why knowing how to be better never seems to be enough.
Learn the framework through Charlotte.
Charlotte's been to years of therapy, but chooses the partners who won't show up for her. She tried to date nicer people, but she's still drawn to the ones who let her down.
Charlotte's nan just died. She calls her partner Harry and asks him to come round. Right now, she's hurting and just needs some company. But Harry can't, he says he's had a long day and is feeling tired.
It's not like it's a surprise. He's always like this. But she thought today, of all days, he might be able to show up. But apparently not.
Charlotte feels hurt and angry. She feels like she's always there for him. She gives endlessly, but the second she needs something back. Even just a hug on the day her nan died. It feels like she might as well be single. That's how much use he is.
She doesn't know why she keeps doing this to herself over and over again. She never learns. There are nice people out there. Why does she always pick the selfish ones?
Charlotte knows all the standard explanations. Childhood patterns. Trauma bonding. Not believing you deserve more. She knows them all. But she still can't understand why she keeps going back.
Charlotte has a mountain. A destabilising insecurity. And when it gets triggered it takes over everything. Her whole nervous system. She loses her ability to think rationally.
And it's not a sustainable state. It's high stress, high anxiety. It feels unbearable. So she has no option, she has to get down the mountain. It becomes her only priority. A threat to her survival.
Charlotte's dad left when she was 5. It was never the same after that. He spent all his time with his new girlfriends. Cancelled plans with her just to sit and watch tv with them. As a teenager she spent endless nights crying alone in bed, wondering why she wasn't good enough to be chosen.
Charlotte knows about her mountain.
Any time she's not chosen it's triggered. She knows why it hurts. She knows it's connected to her dad. And when she's not up her mountain she can understand objectively why it would hurt so much.
But as soon as it's triggered she loses perspective. It becomes a truth. That no one will ever love her enough to truly choose and prioritise her. Her thoughts always spiral. They become more and more absolute. Becoming even more painful and impossible to sit with.
When Harry said he was tired Charlotte was taken right up her mountain. And she had to do something, anything to end the spiralling. So she called him. And he answered, for once. She was surprised. She almost managed to catch herself, but she was too far gone. She didn't have the time to think about that.
"How could you do this to me? I'm so upset. How can I be with you if you're always like this? I just can't do this with you anymore." She wasn't thinking, it was just her mountain talking.
"Ok. Fair enough. I guess I can't be the partner you need me to be. It's probably best we break up," replied Harry, just before he hung up.
Charlotte's devastated. She didn't actually want to be alone. Especially not today.
She calls him back. But she's blocked.
Weirdly, Charlotte is starting to calm down. The mountain is subsiding.
New thoughts enter her mind. Harry answered the phone. Maybe he would have listened. Maybe it would have been one of the days he was kind. But she wasn't thinking straight. She pushed him away. She never got to find out if he would show up.
That's why the mountain is subsiding. She pushed him away. It's not about being prioritised now. She told him not to. So the mountain is calm. She's not feeling ok. But these new feelings, sadness, shame, hurt, at least she can sit with them.
Harry's mountain is that he's scared of never being enough. No matter how hard he tries. And he lives his life avoiding this mountain too. He doesn't want to feel the pain of trying his hardest and still not being enough. It would prove his mountain forever. So he doesn't try. He bows out long before he gets the chance to fail for real.
In some ways, despite all the pain, they are the perfect antidote to each other. If only they could find a way to make their relationship work.
Read more on the Overview or Full Theory pages
We are all just doing our best. Trying to survive the landscape we found ourselves in.